I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
i out mim tonsoeep
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