now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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