remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
