If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
