Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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