I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
