yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
