that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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