I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
