you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
