i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
