went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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