it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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