Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
