Where did you get a picture of my penis
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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