just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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