New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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