I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
