What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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