My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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