I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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