Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
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