If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
