I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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