If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
