remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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