toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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