smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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