I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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