Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
organizing the empties. That sober.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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