Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
