Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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