And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
