Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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