I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
