she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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