I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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