Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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