Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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