Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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