i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
