If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
