I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
