I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
