So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
