every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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