I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Randomize
