Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
