2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
