fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I wish there were birth control emojis
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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