apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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